How not to approach women at the Gym

For the last six months I've been a gym rat. With the exception of the last two weeks, I've managed to get to the gym 5-6 days a week, on average. (The last two weeks I have spent in a Christmas/New Year sugar/adult beverage stupor. Note: I wasn't kidding when I said what the #1 rule for surviving a holiday party - consume a half a bottle of wine. Leelanau Blueberry. Just saying.)

Back to the story....

It never fails when I go to the Grand Rapids YMCA I am approached by all sorts.

I've read the articles in all the cutesy I'm-trying-to-be-a-fitness-magazine-but -clearly-just-a-sub-par-fashion-magazine-in-hiding. I know all the steps to attract a guy in the gym and purposely DON'T do them to avoid the awkward conversations.

I'm realizing its a lot more fun just to soak in that awkwardness. If you, as a guy, are going to approach me, who is CLEARLY giving the F off sign while working out, then I am going to make you miserable. By the end of our conversation, you are going to wonder if you are so off on your female radar that maybe you would be better off hitting on guys. I love watching a guy trying to get out of the conversation once I've dropped the 'my husband' and 'my two kids' bombs.

They try and play it cool. I see them try to keep the 'oh shit, my bad' look off their face. The way their eyes shift, looking around the room for a quick way out. Oh no, buddy. You are not leaving. Not after the way you called me, 'hey baby' and 'yo mama'. Clearly we're family now and I will talk your ear off as if we've been old friends. At the end of the conversation, you will know nothing about me and everything about my husband's shoe size, where he works, what's great about him and all my kids favorites as well as the last funny thing they did. Don't blame me for this. You are the one who stepped into the no fly zone! I was giving the signs and the fact that i jumped from being startled when you approached me should have been the icing on buzz off cake.

So let me make it easy on you. These are the signs a girl gives when she just wants to sweat it out at the gym without you creeping up on her:

1. The outfit does not match and she is fully covered. If she is wearing a baggy sweatshirt, do not approach. If her shirt does not show off cleavage, do not approach. If She has on oversized sweats and a baggy t-shirt, clearly, you should not approach.

However, if her tight low-cut hot pink tank matches her capri leggings that have a cute matching pink stripe running down the side or, better yet, matches her short, tight, black, v-ball style, could-possibly-be-boy-shorts-underwear shorts, then you have appropriate clearance to throw your 'hey baby' approach at her.

2. She has no earrings or just studs. Women who wear hoops, or anything flashy while 'working out' are not at the gym to 'work out' if you get my drift.

3. She has no make-up on. If She looks like she just stepped off a Maybelline advertisement, she is not ready to sweat. (For the men saying, huh? Maybelline is a make-up brand. And no, she was not born with it. There's no maybe about it. It's the Maybelline.) If a woman wears makeup to the gym and within 20 minutes, does not look like Brandon Lee as The Crow, you have permission to approach. She's there for guys like you.

4. She's paying attention to what she's doing. If she spends more time watching what's going on rather than actually working out, she wants you. I'll add here that if she makes repeated eye contact, its possible that she's into you. Its also possible that all the grunting and dropping of the heavy weights you are doing is really pissing her off and she trying to give you some non-verbal clue about what a douche canoe you are being. (thanks for the new word, Jen.)

5. If her music is on, loud, and both earbuds are in, leave her alone. If she has an ipod on but the ear buds are around her neck rather than in her ears, guess what? She's just waiting for a 'yo mama' (Side note: why would you call me mama and then act surprised when I have two kids?)

6. If her hair looks like she stepped out of a wind tunnel, she is not there for your viewing pleasure. Lucky for me, my giant mass of frizz always looks this way. However, if every strand is in place before and after (or she's wearing it down) she would like your phone number. Seriously...who can work out with hair flying everywhere?!

7. She's staying on task. If she moves to multiple areas of the gym and its not for circuit training, the girl is checking her options and giving an obvious sign that you could be the dreamboat behind door #1.

8. She looks intense. If she's constantly smiling, she's clearly not getting her sweat on. No girl who's working out to burn calories smiles in her 3rd set of heavy weights. This brings me to the two final clues:

9. If she's in the weight area, but only lifting 3lb weights, she's in there for you. And i'm judging her for not staying on the lady's only side.

10. If she is not sweating, not winded and is missing red blotches from her face, she is there for a social call, aka you.

I hope this helps the boys out there looking for the next booty call (or for the romantics, the love of their life) to walk into the gym. Read the signs. And if you must approach, make eye contact. I should take this opportunity to point out one last thing: Our eyes are not located on our ass or our breasts.

This concludes today's PSA. Any questions?